Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
