he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
