just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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