I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
