I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
