Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
