11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
