so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
