Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
