oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Acid is not a monday night drug
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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