I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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