sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
