Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
