Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
