btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
