I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize