mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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