I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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