So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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