my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
