Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
