I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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