no, he came in my armpit
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
