I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
