pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
