my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
