Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
