i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
