no, he came in my armpit
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
