Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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