i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
