i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
