I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
