Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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