I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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