I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
