Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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