You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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