Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
