my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
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i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize