I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
