Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
