he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
