I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
