Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
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I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
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I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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