Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
