I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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