Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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