i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
