she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
50% drunk capacity currently
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
