i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
