just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
its liver damage thursday
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
