you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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