just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
