I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
