I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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