Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
