I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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