No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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