Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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