Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
