i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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